The Craziest Resume Claims and Responses Ever
Research commissioned by Glassdoor found that 250 people apply for every corporate job, and only five of those people manage to land an interview. The ratio with trades, nursing or teaching jobs can be even higher. So, nailing your cover letter and resume are an absolute essential if you want to be one of the lucky two per cent who manage to make it past the first hurdle. One of the most common things clients say to us is that they think they are terrible at selling themselves or that they cannot write. The truth is most people have a good idea about their own strengths and weaknesses but have a hard time translating that onto the page. However, take heart. There have been some people who have not the faintest idea what has been needed to create a compelling document – with crazy resume responses and hilarious results.
One of the things we advise our clients is not to bother, including first jobs that do not add to your career arc. Working at Coles or McDonald’s after you left school may have given you your first taste of a working life, but if you are a trained electrician or registered nurse, it serves no real purpose. However, there are other good reasons to maybe not add your previous activities to your resume:
“Marijuana Dealer and Nefarious Dude 1999 — 2001
Nashville and Middle Tennessee
- Intuitive understanding of supply and demand economics
- Good with money
- Ran my own delivery service
- Had consistent clientele with high customer satisfaction
- Gained intimate access to several very exclusive County jails
- Learned a valuable life lesson”
We always say honesty is the best policy and never lie on a resume. But that does not mean you have to incriminate yourself in a crime when you list answer qualifying questions:
“Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If yes, please explain.” Answer: “Yes. Arson. He deserved it. Will discuss in interview.”
Also, a sense of humour is a great attribute, but resumes are not the place to demonstrate it:
- I rarely get sick
- Advanced yo-yo skills
- So many spreadsheets
- Understood (the movie) Tenet
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever make grammatical errors
- Quick at typing, about 30 words per minute, 45 with strong coffee
- Fluent in English. Also I have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep
- Extensive experience with foreign accents
We always say that it may be a good tactic not to wait for job ads to appear but to approach the company you want to work for, irrespective if they are advertising for the position you want. But there are certain approaches we would not advise…
“I refer to the recent death of your Technical Manager at (COMPANY NAME REDACTED), and hereby apply for the replacement of the deceased manager.
Each time I apply for a job, I get a reply that there’s no vacancy but in this case I have caught you red-handed, and you have no excuse because I even attended the funeral to be sure he was truly dead and buried before applying.
Attached to my letter is my resume and a copy of his death certificate.”
Also, in a culturally diverse country such as Australia, there are many people applying for jobs for whom English is not their native language. If you are not 100% comfortable penning a cover letter its probably best not to wing it or use Google Translate to interpret your words:
“Dear Human Resources
Within seeking employment, I chose to write your company in regards to becoming a part of your working environment. Heartfully, it would be the highest choice of my smile to discuss myself being hired for the above regarding or an opposite position that my work potential edifies.
Please find enclosed an entailment of work quality and references in making your decision to see the choice I am. To hear from you at your heart’s delight would be the intrigue of my day to discuss salary and additional beneficial requirements.
I could be reached at xxxxxxx to schedule an appointment to meet with you to complete our mind’s anticipation.
So hopefully, after reading these crazy resume responses, you are not feeling too bad about your own abilities to pen a winning resume and cover letter! But if you are still not 100% confident, get in touch with us as we know your resume is no laughing matter!